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Feeling
Guilty
Guilt is an interesting
word. It's a feeling, and it's also a status based on fact. A feeling is
never right or wrong. We cannot “correct” an emotion. But a fact is either
true on untrue. We are either guilty of doing something wrong, or we are
not guilty. If we do something wrong, then we should feel guilty. It's an
important emotion, a signal that you are not aligned with your values and
your community. To feel better, we have to make things right, and stop the
improper behavior. If you have earned guilt and don't feel guilty, it could
be a problem.
On the other hand, it's
easy to feel guilty when we aren't actually guilty of anything. If you take
some time to attend to other matters and to rejuvenate yourself, and your
dependent mother complains, you are getting a signal from her that you’ve
done something wrong, that you’re unfairly causing her pain. You could
assume guilt, and of course you’ll feel guilty. But then you could ask:
• Is this
signal from my mother an accurate one?
•
If she
say's I am unfair could she be wrong?
• If she
does not take responsibility for her own contentment, then must I assume the
duty?
• Are there
other signals telling me I am not unfair? There is my doctor's advice, my
friends, my wife, an article, etc..
• Is it not
possible to be compassionate and "selfish" at the same time?
There is another aspect
to this. Without guilt, you would probably still feel badly. It is hard,
and sad, to see your mother suffer. And it is harder to experience a degree
of helplessness in the face of this. It is difficult to accept this
limitation in the ability to help someone you love. But there is an
escape. If you assume guilt, the implication is that you are making a
choice. Even the implication that you are making a bad choice still implies
that you have some control. Oddly, this sense of having power is easier to
fathom than to fully acknowledge the lack of power. So, you could make the
harder – but perhaps more wholesome and congruent - stark sadness about your
mother’s suffering. Or there is the possibly easier – but less authentic -
sense of guilt. I’m not which is more appealing.
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