My husband is never satisfied. He complains about his work, our house and our kids, even though he’ll occasionally admit it’s all fundamentally OK.
I keep trying to tell him he’s depressed and occasionally he’ll kind of acknowledge it, but real soon he’ll go right back to blaming everyone and everything else for his woes.
I’m blue in the face from telling him he’s stuck in a bad pattern. How can I get him to address this?

Answer:

A man named Salvador Minuchin tells this story: A farmer had a donkey that would do anything he was asked. When told to stop, the donkey would stop. When told to eat, he would eat. One day the farmer sold the donkey. That same day, the new owner complained to the farmer. “donkey won’t obey me. When you ask, he will sit, stop, eat – anything. When I ask, he does nothing.” The farmer picked up a two-by-four and walloped the donkey. “He obeys,” the farmer explained. “But first you have to get his attention” *
The parable is a little crude and of course it’s not to be taken too seriously. But the point is that no communication is effective unless the receptivity is there. My guess is your husband is not in a receptive state when you talk with him, and maybe this can be addressed first.
The “two by four” can be as direct as actually saying something along the line, “I want to talk about something critically important to me. Could you promise to hear me out?” This is followed up later with something like, “It’s so important to me that I get this message across in the right way. Would you indulge me please by summing up what you heard me to say, so that I can check out your understanding?”
Another way to increase his receptivity would be to recruit others in this man’s life who have the clearest channel. Does he tend to listen to a favorite uncle, or a minister? You can also recruit the whole “village”, including his M.D., his barber, neighbors, people at work, his religious community, great aunt Gertrude and so on.
There are many other ways improve the receptivity of the listener. But you might also check to make sure you’re not inadvertently using something which is backfiring. We all fall into this – repetitious nagging, shouting, sarcasm or shutting down in the hopes that he’ll pry in just the right place…these are 2×4′s which will not budge anyone’s ass.

*Families and Family Therapy, 1974

I’m so stressed and irritated. I live with my husband, our kids and his mother. The problem is she is too hard to get along with. She pesters and criticizes me constantly. I try to be polite sometimes I just blow up. I don’t want to upset my husband but I’m afraid some day I’m just going to pack up and move out. How can I keep myself calmer?

Answer:

You’re feeling pushed out of your own house, you might lose your marriage, split your children’s’ parents… and you don’t want to upset your husband? Is he that fragile?

I always have mixed feelings about helping someone to have an acceptable mood in an unacceptable situation. Stress and irritability could be looked at as a useful signal, like fear, or pain. If it is indicating there is a problem that needs to be rectified, you don’t necessarily want to just relieve it while the problem persists or grows.

Having your husband’s mother move out could be one solution, but every problem should have more than one. Here are some things I’ll suggest. You might sit down with a friend and draw up a brainstorm list of all conceivable solutions, from the most obvious (including no action), to the overly-exotic (build a bigger house), and so on. Hopefully, by going at some length, resisting the temptation to begin evaluating ideas, you could come up with creative directions. For instance, there could be multiple ways your boyfriend’s mother could give you more space besides moving out, perhaps. There could be changes to scheduling, communication, physical arrangements, ground rules and so on.

Second, it could be that your quarrel is not so much with your mother-in-law as with your husband. If she is asked to move out, wouldn’t he have to be the one to convey the news? And, if he is giving her signals that contradict yours, you may never feel she is hearing you. So, you could be so blunt as to tell him you will not accept the current arrangement, and that it is up to him to fix it. Hopefully, you won’t have to be quite that stark, and there would be a productive process between the two of you. But, if he is not hearing you, not picking up on just how important this is, it would be natural that you would amp up in order to get the message across.

Irritability can be pretty useful in putting some intensity into a message, so that it is not ignored. However, it can backfire. When there is a little too much, the receiver begins to block it out and to shut down. This will give rise to a vicious cycle: more anger bringing on more resistance, bringing on more anger. We have all these cultural images of the communicative one, who needs to agitate for change (maybe more often the female), getting nasty labels like shrew, nag, and worse, while Mr. Brick Wall, protecting the status quo, hides behind the newspaper (and two of the classic insults for him actually apply to his mother!). It is not anyone’s fault, just a pattern we can naturally fall into. So, you might pay attention to what kind of approach is going to be the most effective with him. Consider a careful choice of timing, a soft and gentle voice, and as powerful a statement about your misery as you can compose.

Other than this, I just don’t know how you can find some kind of solution without your boyfriend having to make some tough choices, which doesn’t come without disturbance. You can help him without being upset but I’m not sure you want to protect him from it.

I cannot bear my wife’s alcoholism any longer. If I stay I’ll perish. But if I leave her I’ll be in the financial pits. And strangely, I still love her!  I’ve been to an Al-Anon meeting but it’s not enough. Most of my friends tell me to leave her, and my family tells me to stick it out. What do I do?

Note: I first wrote this answer as a way to talk about ways to approach tough dilemmas, but since that time it has grown into a forum for partners of alcoholics and addicts.

Please feel free to tell your own story.  I encourage you to respond to other postings with a few words of appreciation, support and ideas.  Please do not give direct advice.

Updates are welcome too!

Thank you.

Answer:

You have a mighty dilemma. My first suggestion would be to treat with skepticism any advice to take choice 1 over choice 2. In the end, only you can decide.  And only you will know just how much sadness and anxiety is going to be inherent with either option.

Try viewing your dilemma as four-pronged: Choice 1 would be that you decide to leave your wife and that you do so in the most careful, strategic manner, doing the most that you can to ensure this unfolds as becoming the right choice. Choice 2 would be that you leave in a way that magnifies the potential for a negative outcome, say by being mean, impulsive or passive, neglecting the care of your self, your social network, financial interests and so on. Choices 3 and 4 would be the most attentive, well-equipped approach to staying with her, vs. the approach that would leave you the most hurt.

In other words, the way in which you select a choice and then follow through on it what is important, and it is where you can make nitty-gritty choices on a day-to-day basis. The working out of those specifics might be where your attention is going to be productive.

There is another general rule in making a wrenching decision. Make the mistake you can correct. That is, whichever course is more reversible might be considered first. In your case, it is much easier to recover from the mistake of waiting a bit more, than to recover after discovering that divorce was a mistake. Naturally, this is a general guideline only.

One more thing. Loneliness and anxiety, among other troubles, are almost universally difficult for partners of alcoholics.  Reaching out is good.  More reaching out is better.  Al-Anon is not for everyone in your situation, but those who do find it helpful would probably say that it’s the repeated attendance that makes it work.

I’m married and we have two year-old. My day starts at 5:00 when I get up, make my lunch and go to work. I pick up our son on the way home. Then I clean up breakfast, run the laundry, make supper, wash dishes. All at the same time I’m keeping our son entertained and getting him ready for bed. My husband comes home from work and watches TV. He says his job is so hard; he’s too tired to do anything else. The weekends aren’t a lot different. By the end of the day I’m so depressed. I wonder if I should ask my doctor to change my medication. And this is not what I thought my life should be like. I’m so confused!

Answer:

You don’t come across to me as confused. You come across to me as exhausted, and aware of a major contributor. Your husband may be confused. He may need some help and support. Of course, he must have his own version of things. But since he’s not here…

I believe that for many married woman there comes a time to fulfill the wifely duty. The duty is this: to take your husband firmly by the collar, make sure you have every bit of his attention, and state something along this line:

Husband of mine, I love you dearly. I adore you. Because of that, I’m not going to allow you to erode this precious marriage.

What you are doing has to change. When you created this child of ours with me, you signed on to major shift in our lifestyle, mine AND yours. As a part of this change, it means that when you get home from work, you must remain “on”. It’s just the way it is.

When you flop by the TV extensively, it is not the image of a husband and father I want. Furthermore, there is a pile of duties, which you are leaving to me. The result is that I’m drained. And I’m furious. I know you’re exhausted too, so take a breather when you need. But don’t flop, and don’t stick me with your share of our daily chores.

Now, you might think I’m complaining because I’m depressed. In fact, I’m depressed because I keep having to repeat this complaint. I will get better, but be warned – this will not mean you can go back to planting your butt on the couch. I want you right here. With me, sleeves rolled up. And I’ll be with you.

Am I clear? Now what are you going to do beginning today?

This abbreviated sample statement might be stronger than anyone would really want, but the idea is to be intense, forthright and resolute, as part of the package in loving. Thoughts?

My relationship has needed a lot of help for a long time, and I’m tired. If I had the energy to do just one thing with my partner to pull us out of our nosedive, what should I do?

Answer:

First, you have more energy than you think, and all you have to do is use it. Believe me, it’s there. You will find this out if you go through all the painful work of splitting up and reestablishing yourself.

But we’ll go with the idea that you can do just one thing. Now, different professionals will give you different recommendations. Some would say to increase the number of positive interactions with your mate, or to practice new communication methods. Others would advise you to show more warmth and regard, increase your attentive listening, or when you want to talk or complain, to make approaches that are gentle. All these ideas are worthy enough that I had to find a way to sneak them in here.

My own single recommendation would be this: choose the one most negative thing you can recognize that you are doing – something that is eroding the relationship, or that your mate would dearly love for you to stop. Then, stop doing it. If you are complaining at length, back off. If you are shutting off the complaints, then open up and make an accommodating response. It won’t kill you. If you are clutching, give some space and if you are generally backing away, come towards. If you have no interest in sex, first get a medical checkup and then do some reading or talking about how to stir your own libido. If you think you are starved for more sexuality, calm down and settle for the talk, the touch and the romance for a while, without sex on the agenda. If you are the one who is loose and permissive with the kids, show more backbone. If you are the one who is strict and firm, try easing up.

There are more examples but my point is this: it is likely that you are responding to the stress in your relationship by doing something that is making that stress worse. Of all the cruel ironies, the solution you are using is part of the problem. There may be many reasons for this. One of the reasons may be that your partner is doing the very same thing as you, but in the opposite direction. You may feel you have to go further in your own direction to provide a counterbalance, so to speak. This is because your partner is so darn stubborn and predictable, you say? Well, neither of us can change what your partner is doing. In fact, you see, your efforts to change him or her may only be increasing the polarization.

So grit your teeth if you must. Better yet, breathe easy. Stop what you are doing with your partner, and try moving in the opposite direction. Then, watch what happens.

Let me repeat my caveat that all rules have exceptions. The suggestions here are general in the extreme and are not meant to apply to everyone.

I get into crying spells and my husband blows me off. He refuses to comfort me and he hides behind the newspaper. Sometimes he ridicules me. My friends tell me to leave him but that’s not an option. What do I do with this guy??

Answer:

There are two general directions you can take with your husband. One is to accept that he has the flaws he does (my wife knows about this!), and that pressing him to change is not only futile, but makes you frustrated and makes him more obstinate. It is a little easier to re-label his behavior then – rather that simply insensitive, maybe he’s scared to death of your strong emotions. Which one of you really needs the comforting? Imagine how you might behave if you could adopt this view 100%. It could be worth seeing how he responds.

The other general direction is in some ways incompatible, but not completely. You would decide that in being committed to your marriage, you are committed to doing everything in your power to stop his eroding it. Being careful not to do it in a way that can backfire, you strategize on how to turn up the heat. For example, you might talk to him about your complaint repeatedly, but only when you’re composed. At the times you’re crying, you may not be as assertive, and he’s already shown that he tunes you out. So, at the other times the issue is always at the top of the agenda. In a sense, he’s not playing the game, so you keep pitching the ball until the only thing left for him is to swing at it.

If you want to explore these kinds of options some more, a very good writer on the subject is Michele Weiner-Davis. Check out any of her books, esp. Getting Through to the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women on one of the retail websites.

Answer:

Dude, have it your way. I’ll ask your wife to come in anyway. I can do couples therapy with an individual. Family therapists tend to be better at doing individual therapy with relationship improvement as a goal, while oftentimes other therapists will reinforce a client’s self-interest and relationships can suffer. So I can see her without you and you need not worry that we are fomenting trouble.

But we can do better by your marriage if you come in with her. And it will reduce pain, not increase it.

Alright, I’ll be honest here. If you come in with your wife, yes – it will force conversations you might otherwise wish to avoid. But here’s the thing: it will force a different process within those conversations. Usually it doesn’t take very long for me to see how two well-intended people are getting completely sideways with each other. Then, it’s a matter of all of us seeing how it is happening. We take a breath, then I have the two of you go about it differently. I could go into much more detail but suffice it to say, if you can agree to give it a try, you should find that it is worth your while.

Still doubtful?  Call me up

Tracy: I love Taylor. We’re the best of friends and in many ways, are closer than we ever were before. This makes it all the more perplexing that sex has become flat. It’s loving, but it’s routine, and less appealing all the time. I don’t know how to bring this up without hurt feelings, but our relationship is lacking in nourishment.

Taylor: I love Tracy. We’re the best of friends and in many ways we’re closer than ever before. And so it’s all the more painful when I hear that our sex life is dissatisfying. I am able to accept that we can’t possibly maintain the fervor and sense of novelty we used to have. And I don’t want the same frequency either, much less the pizazz. Hearing it should be different more makes me want it less. You could say that we have occasional good protein and I’ve grown beyond the taste for spice and desert.

(Names made gender-neutral for the sake of broader applicability.)

Answer:

Sex is like food in quite a few ways. Leaving aside many of the other similarities, it’s nice to have familiarity leavened with some variety to remain appealing. I don’t mean variety in partners. It’s within the container of a committed, trusting relationship that we can really range out. It’s like…you can stay in Seattle and explore to any restaurant you want.

In this ranging there are a couple of branches, in my way of thinking. One is the romantic. This is like comfort food. Good, wholesome, sustaining regular meals. Sex is tender, loving, mutual, familiar and nice, and you can find new dimensions the older you get.

The other branch is adventure. Exotic food. By adventurous sex, I don’t mean weird, or always novel and inventive. The pressure to maintain this over the years would not be sexy. I mean the spirit of adventure, where you dare to test the bounds of conventionality a bit, where comfort is high but excitement is higher. Where the atmosphere has some electricity and stimulation becomes thrill. Simply put, it’s hot.

An ironic quality to sex with this edge is that both people can be selfish. You assert exactly what you want. Be bold about it. And of course your partner must do the same. It may be that you are more or less “doing” the other at any one time, with all the attention on maximizing pleasure for the other – while he or she can indulge purely in his or own pleasure, thanks to your full devoted focus. “Tonight I’ll cook, you eat.”

Hot sex is not for all phases of a relationship. When when stress is high, parenting is hectic or insecurities and resentments are up and communication is crimped – then you probably need just the nourishment of comfort food. And even that may be in small portions.

Tracy-types take note: Rest, trust and affirming communication first. Then, adventure sex maybe. If your quest becomes a battle, you’re getting further from what you want.

Taylor-types take note: Loving, stable, trusting couples can get embedded in the comfort zone. Once a groove, now a rut. Both of you may feel secure with it, but also under-appreciated. And your mate’s klutziness in talking about this doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be talked about.

A therapist or marriage counselor can help with restocking the kitchen.