Should I Leave my Alcoholic Wife (or Husband, Partner, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Addict)?
Question:
I cannot bear my wife’s alcoholism any longer. If I stay I’ll perish. But if I leave her I’ll be in the financial pits. And strangely, I still love her! I’ve been to an Al-Anon meeting but it doesn’t seem to help. Most of my friends tell me to leave her, and my family tells me to stick it out. What do I do?
Answer:
You have a mighty dilemma. My first suggestion would be to treat with skepticism any advice to take choice 1 over choice 2. In the end, only you can decide. And only you will know just how much sadness and anxiety is going to be inherent with either option.
Try viewing your dilemma as four-pronged: Choice 1 would be that you decide to leave your wife and that you do so in the most careful, strategic manner, doing the most that you can to ensure this unfolds as becoming the right choice. Choice 2 would be that you leave in a way that magnifies the potential for a negative outcome, say by being mean, impulsive or passive, neglecting the care of your self, your social network, financial interests and so on. Choices 3 and 4 would be the most attentive, well-equipped approach to staying with her, vs. the approach that would leave you the most hurt.
In other words, the way in which you select a choice and then follow through on it what is important, and it is where you can make nitty-gritty choices on a day-to-day basis. The working out of those specifics might be where your attention is going to be productive.
There is another general rule in making a wrenching decision. Make the mistake you can correct. That is, whichever course is more reversible might be considered first. In your case, it is much easier to recover from the mistake of waiting a bit more, than to recover after discovering that divorce was a mistake. Naturally, this is a general guideline only.
One more thing. Loneliness and anxiety, among other troubles, are almost universally difficult for partners of alcoholics. Reaching out is good. More reaching out is better. Al-Anon is not for everyone in your situation, but those who do find it helpful would probably say that it’s the repeated attendance that makes it work.
Note: I first wrote this answer as a way to talk about ways to approach tough dilemmas, but since that time it has grown into a forum for partners of alcoholics and addicts.
Please feel free to tell your own story. In addition, try to leave a few words of support or a suggestion for one of the others.
It will also help with the dialogue here if you specifically mention something you appreciate reading from anyone else here.
Updates are welcome too.
Thank you.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:58 am
14 years of hell and I’m still here. I’ve heard every excuse and promise in the book (which have all been broken repeatedly) there seems to be no easy answer. I tell myself over and over to run for my life, but I’m still here, stress anxiety and fear are my daily companions, there is no easy way out, either way you and I have been dealt a losing hand. The only way out is out, completley out no ties no looking back, I think I’m almost there…………
May 20th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Hi, I feel for you man. My girlfriend drank her way through pregnancy. As I write, she has finished a half bottle of vodka and is breastfeeding our son. She changes after the first drink. And there is nothing I like about her when she drinks. How can I leave her with my 2 month old baby?
May 20th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Dan, the short answer is that you can’t leave your baby in the care of someone who’s drunk. I suggest contacting Al-Anon, Child Protective Services and several other support sources. I’ll email you directly.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:31 am
I can relate to everyone here. I have been with my wife for 18 years. For the past 3 she has become more and more dependant on alcohol, and has become increasingly more violent. I am ready to leave her, but like the first commentor, we will experience extreme financial difficulty, and possibly lose our house. I live a block from the High School my son and daughter love, and upsetting their lifestyle is a real concern for me. If not for them, I would leave.
August 31st, 2009 at 7:35 am
Tim, I hope you’ve at least had a good consultation with a lawyer, so that you can be sure you know what you stand to lose and what your options might be to protect your house and finances.
November 9th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Tom,
My wife is an alcoholic and has been drinking for fifteen years. She’s said everything in the book and does everything in the book that alcoholics do. I’m long past being able to deal with it any longer. Here’s my problem: If I leave I’ll take my monthly disability payments with me which will leave her no way to pay the mortgage, bills, etc. for the home we own. She would leave but she is financially dependent on me, has no other family to go to and has no friend or situation to take her in. She will not seek help for her addiction. I see no solution to my situation. It’s causing me mental and physical harm. What can I do?
November 9th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Peter,
What are your options? Leave or stay? Just two? If you put some thought and discussion into it, could you not flesh this out, refine some ideas and come up with more so that the array of choices doesn’t look quite so stark?
You could keep in mind that you’re already making a choice. Every day, you’re choosing to hold pat. It may be the best choice; I don’t know. But you can think of this as whether you’re going for the more active choice or the more passive.
Another thing to consider is that your wife will not seek help…under the present circumstances. Many alcoholics who’ve finally made it into recovery will say they couldn’t do it until they hit bottom. That is, not until life became so utterly unmanageable that they hardly had any other choice. Often, this comes only when loved ones refuse to caretake any longer.
Finally, as long as you’re putting up with your situation as-is, would you say you’re doing the best you can for yourself? Extra stress requires extra coping. Good eating and sleeping, exercise, fun and productivity, friends and support. Spiritual or religious practice if it suits. Adult education maybe, and so on. She can’t stop you from doing your best to maximize these factors in your own life.
Tom
November 13th, 2009 at 5:22 am
My wife just gets worse everyday and I am at the end of my rope. The only time she doesnt drink is at work. As soon as she is home she is into her vodka. On her days off she is drinking soon after waking up. I have my boys every other weekend and one or two times during the week. She used to stay sober or not drink much around them. Now I cant do anything with her at all. Weather its a family function, diner out, the boys sports, it doesnt matter. She will seem sober (becasue I am watching her like a hawk) and then slam a ton of vodka right before we leave when Im not watching. Half way to where ever we are going she becomes a nasty drunk. She has fallen out of my 4×4 truck right infront of my sons basketball team. She has past out on the side of the soccer field during a game. These are the minor examples of things that have happened. She has brusies all over her body and her work blames me and I never touch her. Her friends which never come around anymore know the truth. Its only a matter of time before something real bad happens. My biggest problem is if I ignor her or leave her at home alone she becomes very destructive. Anything that belongs to me or my boys with get trashed. I have to hide keys, money, even my eyeglasses. I have a dead bold lock on the boys room so she cant get in it. I have to lock garage so she doesnt destroy my tools or my harley. She will turn all electric on in house and pass out. Middle of winter leaving doors open. She’ll let my dog out with no coller to run the neighborhood. She will hit and push me and has even grabed my gun once that I now keep hidden and locked in my truck. I dont know what to do. Im in a lose lose situation no matter what I do. I need to do something before my ex finds out or before she hurts me, the boys, or herself. She has already lost her daughter this past year becasue of domestic violence. Court order states no drinking at all and she does it anyway. If I call cops the judge could throw her in jail for her suspended sentence of 239 days. Financially I would lose everything. Court would only do what they do best and slap her on the hand and take my money. I know this….If she hurt one of the boys I can honestly say I dont know what I would do and I dont want it to get that far. Ive been to alanon and read everything the interenet has to offer. Ill probably confront my pastor at church, but I really dont want to but it would probably help me. She refuses any counciling and when she goes to the court order counciling its like an assembly line. How fast can we get her out of here we have too many in line and nothing gets accomplised. The legal system is just about money and they havent helped her they have only drained my pocketbook. I cant figure out why she hasnt hit rock bottom yet. I know I am about to hit rock bottom myself and I am a very strong person that doesnt let anything hold me back. I am to the point that I dont have a life becasue if I do go do something alone I worry the hole time if she is hurt, hurting someone else, destroying something, or even burning the house down. Yes she almost burnt house down. We got a new kitchen and then the insurance dropped us. If I stay home then I take the abuse unless she passes out. I am pretty much sure I am screwed and nothing short of her causing someones death with wake her up!
November 16th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I sure am convinced your wife’s alcoholism in horrendous and the carnage she’s causing is scary as all get-out. I’m also convinced you can’t possibly have any sort of clear-cut pathway out of this predicament. Never mind a pathway anywhere close to painless. Nothing but excruciating options.
Here’s what I’m not quite convinced of – that you’re completely screwed and can do nothing. You say that you’re at the end of your rope, and that suggests some sort of action once there is no more tolerance. You also say that you’re strong and that nothing holds you back. Here’s probably the most important place in your life to draw on that strengh. I don’t blame you a bit for feeling defeated; it might be that anyone in your shoes would.
So you might see fit to talk with someone about an idea like this: you CAN’T NOT make a choice here. Desperately trying to contain her damage and otherwise passively waiting for her do self-descruct seems to be your default decision. Are you sure that’s the best option, or is it more that the others seem too complex and forbidding. They probably are, but they may be less cataclysmic. And they’ll permit you to say to your children some day that you took the toughest steps.
It’s beyond my scope here to say what specific steps you can take. Except this: don’t allow her problem to define you as helpless.
Call me if you want to talk.
January 2nd, 2010 at 9:41 am
My very soon to be ex-wife drank, and drank for years. In fact I can actually count the times she has been sober in the last 2 years on one hand, for real. She also called me about every name in the book, and even attacked me on occasion. We have two kids, and no matter what I tried to do she did not seem to care. Finally she cheated on me, so I threw her out. My soul is fractured, but I realize clearly she is scum in shoes, and now that she has made the father of her children hate her more than any other human on the planet, she can go die of cancer for all I care. Even if you think the person who does this garbage to you loves you, they do not. All drunks think about is themselves, and their pain. They could not care less how what they do effects others, and if you are in this type of relationship, take some time to set yourself up, and when she gets in your face next time, let her hit you, get a restraining order, and start the healing. The sooner you throw these worthless animals out, the sooner you will be better. No money, or pride is worth the hell they give you.
January 2nd, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Maybe she left you with a souvenir, Sean, the hate and fury you’re expressing.
In any case, as a side note, there are people who kind of inexplicably become self-absorbed, callous and mean, to the point where the spouse can hardly recognize him or her. Alcohol and drug addiction can be causal, in some cases might not be there at all, and in other cases might be kind of a secondary effect of whatever else is going on. Someone hostile and aggressive might blame the behavior on alcohol, but in fact might use also alcohol as a way to get disinhibited and to behave in the ways they want to.
Sorry your marriage blew up.
February 22nd, 2010 at 5:05 pm
hi all
i’ve been married for nearly 33 years, we have 3 adult children and i have lived with my wifes drink abuse for all these years. trouble is now the kids are old enough i am finding it very difficult to accept and live with her ways. she drinks 4 nights a week on a regular basis. for some time she has been on wine, 13.5% carton stuff. she finishes 3 litres over three nights…..and i think this is too much. we have many rows and verbal abuse is common from her, occosionally violent as well. on a few past times she has used a knife to threaten and cut my wrist one time. she used a phone to hit me across the head with one time too. other times she has ripped the shirt off me and with children present. etc………this is the first time i have discussed this problem in this manner. tonight i am in the spare bedroom again following another break in our relationship, after her latest binge on saturday night which followed the previous nights binge, which followed wednesday night etc……tell me this is normal so i can accept my fate please? otherwise any advise would be great!
February 22nd, 2010 at 6:15 pm
Is it normal? Easy question! (And the anser is no.)
Is it acceptable to you? And if not, what are some steps you’re willing to take, now that you’ve broken your silence? I suggest, at the very least, keep talking. Gather ideas and support. Call me if you want.
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:46 am
I am in my second marraige, we have no kids together, my two kids are grown and i have one step daughter of 16 still living with us. My wife drinks at least 4 nights per week, when she only drinks beer, she is ok, does not get angry, but when she drinks wine she is a totally differenct person, very angry, her whole face changes, sometimes this happens very quickly. we like to go and socialize with freinds, but i am getting to a point that i dont want to go as she will turn angry and then all attention is to her. All of our freinds have witnessed the anger. Many many time the anger is dirrected at my daughter, who she claims has all these secrets with me. This anger or resentment towards my daughter has been going on for years, and always when my wife is drunk. I am 53 and told her the other day I am tired of all the drama and just want a peacefull life, with my kids grown, that is what i expected, i did not expect this. I have talked with her while sober but she refuses to make any positive changes. I also am getting to a point where I am not attracted to her anymore as when she wants to have sex or cuddle when she is drunk it just turns my stomach, thanks fo this forum, it helps me to know there are other people in my shoes. any advise would be greatfull
April 6th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Bob, I’m always happy to make suggestions but as clear as you are on what the problem is, I’m not sure about your goal.
Would you like advice on how to break this marriage off? Would it seem better to accept and cope with it as best as possible? Preserve some shreds of trust and intimacy however you can or give up on that prospect? Set up an “in-house separation?” Take a more assertive and powerful stance with your wife and really bring this battle to a head?
Working towards some decisions on this might bring you considerably closer to some answers.
April 8th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
Hello,
I stmbled across this website….but I have been searching for folks to let it all out with for a while. I have been married for 10 years….38 years old, wife is 40. We have 3 girls who live with us. The youngest is ours together, and the other two are my step children who have lived with us 99% of the time for the past 3 years. About 3 years ago, my life started taking a turn for the worse…when I started to suspect that my wife was having an affair. The worst part, I guess, is that my wife’s odd behaviour caught the attention of her sister and brother one weekend when we had gone to her sister’s house (intending to stay the night) to help paint it as a birthday present. It is an hour and a half away, and about 5 minutes before arriving, she decides to tell me she is going to go back home for the weekend to clean the house in preparation for our daughter’s b-day party….the following weekend! (insert lame excuse here).
I, myself, was very upset about thism, and when prompted by her sister to tell her what was going on, I told her that I “expected the worst.” Her sister led the conversation and openly told me that this behaviour was “just like her sister”…that “she has done this stuff growing up…etc.” I was so upset that I drank a lot that night….passed out, and didn’t admit to my wife the content of the conversation.
Fast forward a couple of months….my wife found out that I had “betrayed” her trust in front of her whole family….and she was angry as all hell at me. In fact, for the next nearly TWO YEARS, I had to live with being blamed for being a coward, betraying her trust, throwing her under the bus in front of her family, etc.
Now, add the magic ingredient….alcohol:
My wife has been going through a bout of depression, anxiety, anger, etc….since that point nearly 3 years ago. She points to it as some turning point in her life….as if “I” caused this to happen to her or something. She had, until that point, been a weekend drinker. We both would do that. But, in the past 3 years, she has taken to drinking to excess nearly EVERY NIGHT. A glass or two of wine is o.k., but it turns into a whole bottle….and one or two beers, and a vodka tonic for good measure. Tonight I went to the store, when she had drunk about 3 glasses of wine. When I got home, the wine bottle was empty and she had poured a double vodka tonic.
I know I am rambling, but her and I have gotten physical in the past. She is a “MEAN” drunk. She berrates me, calls me names, pushes me, slaps me, hits me….sometimes I try to go to bed and she will come in just as I fall asleep and rip the covers off me and start screaming at me. I admit that I have pushed her off me, and yes, I have hit her. The cops were called once and because it was “mutual” and she was so drunk that she refused to even speak to the police, they simply asked me to stay the night away from the home. No charges were pressed, and I have decided to never raise my hand to her again.
But….the alcoholism continues. The emotional affairs continue. What I haven’t told you is that beginning 3 years ago…what led to all this…is that she was lying to me about where she was going, or where she had been. Come to find out she was meeting old college “friends,” (always male) who she had recently found on FaceBook, etc.
To this day, she has a number of what she calls “platonic” friendships….all with males. But she has taken to hiding her interactions from me, although I see the cell phone bills and know what has been going on.
I tried to deal with this over the past 2 years….I thought she needed some sort of physical “excitement” that she wasn’t getting with me….I told her, even, to share her thoughts with me openly….(o.k. guys, I imagine I will lose all respect here)….to the point where we placed ads TOGETHER for another man to join us in the bedroom to please her…. I thought that this would keep it out in the open and prevent an affair….emotional or physical…or otherwise. After a few of those encounters, they all ended with both of us feeling used and hollow. We decided to not pursue that, realizing that that is not the answer, either.
All the while, the drinking continues….
In the past year, I have cut my alcohol consumption in over HALF….having one or two beers every other night, on average. My wife, on the other hand…will drink an entire bottle of wine…or TWO….or THREE in one night….on a weeknight!
Despite all of this….her “emotional affairs” still continue. Right now, she’d in the other room with her beloved iPhone (that I bought!!!) and is texting this other guy….with not a care in the world that I have asked her for the past hour to please stop and come to bed.
Our marriage is broken. I have been faithful to my wife…..she has not been faithful to me. And frankly, when I think of the fact that we allowed other men in our bedroom hoping to “fix” something….it makes me sick to my stomach. I am broken. I feel that I have lost all self-respect.
But, I am a proud person. I try to insulate the kids from this…although our oldest has seen it, and has even heard me calling my wife a slut in a heated argument. She (my stepdaughter) has even told me that she knows what’s going on….that she sees how her mom is. I am not sure if she knows about the other men…physically….but I know she has heard us fighting about the “virtual” online friends.
And what weaves itself throughout this drama- but alcohol. She gets in deep, emotional depression….telling me how she is worthless because she is a stay at home mom….and how I am so important because I make all the money and get all the accolades from work…blah blah. I have tried to encourage her for 2 YEARS to find some (girl) friends…>REAL FRIENDS> but she isolates herself. I have encouraged her to find a job, get a hobby….go out during the day…find a LIFE. But, she tells me to stop trying to “solve her problems.” Yet, she continues to drink.
It starts out harmless….a glass of wine with dinner- but guess what? There is still a half bottle of wine left…she can’t leave that alone! I try to “casually” ignore it….and then all of a sudden another bottle of wine (or a glass of Vodka) will be “half hidden” behind the toaster oven, or somewhere else. (I think she tries to hide it from the kids….she could care less about how I feel about it).
I have asked her to stop when I see the tale-tell signs….the wrinkling of the brow….the mood turning sour…..the “woah is me” stuff starts coming out. I will notice her slurring and ask her to please stop drinking….telling her she has had enough (or asking politely…”honey, can you please stop drinking tonight”?). But, she turns it on me.
The next morning, even if I tell her that she was the Devil to me the night before, she just shrugs it off. I plead for her and I to get some marriage counseling….I ask her if she will get some Al Anon counseling….she says “yes”…but somehow she’s never seious.
Nights like tonight are painful. I work from home, so I never escape this. I do travel sometimes, and am getting ready to leave for 3 nights soon….and I worry about what she does alone during the day…what kind of plans she makes with other men.
Am I weak? Am I “enabling” this behaviour? I don’t know what to do. As stupid as I sound, I love her….I am IN LOVE with her….I don’t want to see her in pain, but I refuse to be the target of her anger anymore.
She screams and yells at me when I ask her to stop texting her male friends….even to the point of asking me why she can’t have any friends. I have even texted some of these guys and asked them to please respect my marriage and stop texting my wife….this just enrages her, and she turns on the “pity me” crap….are you gonna tell him horrible things about me like you did in front of my family? Blah blah.
It has gone on so long that I want a divorce. But I love the kids….we are NOT in a financial situation that would just let me walk out. Paying HALF my salary, yet taking all the bills would break me. She doesn’t work…and hasn’t for YEARS (except for a short stint when I lost my job and it nearly KILLED her to be working hard jobs).
If I just left, the kids would be at risk. Their father is not around. They have chosen to live in our household because of the situation with their own father, so that is not an option. He pays no child support, so I support a family of 5.
I know you won’t TELL me what to do. I guess I just need to get all that off my chest. It is so convoluted, and I think I have enabled it to continue….yet I feel trapped for the very reasons I have just listed.
Thank you for listening.
April 9th, 2010 at 9:33 am
Jason, I assume you’ve read the other postings and responses above, and I hope you’ve found some ideas helpful.
You talk in part about how you have evolved during this difficult period, e.g. becoming a dad to three girls, cutting back on your own drinking, forswearing violence, maybe even the trying before discarding difficult and unconventional options.
Here’s another to consider. Keep working on being the best dad and husband you can be. Loving (not to be confused with accepting the unacceptable), honest, assertive, healthy, socially connected and so forth. Add informed, which you seem to be developing right now. Resilient and resourceful. Unafraid to stay put if you decide that’s best, and unafraid to take other tough steps if that is the way to go. These are broad terms and you have to fill in the specific meanings.
And as with anyone who stumbles on this site, feel free to call me.
April 13th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
I did it again, Unflipin believable. I lost everything in 99 when I left my first wife who was a raging alcoholic. I waited searched etc….. for 16 years and thought I finally found a real good woman, but after about 3 1/2 years she too went down the same path as my first wife. How can I not feel it is my fault. I am the only common factor
April 14th, 2010 at 8:12 am
Is it your fault? That may be a useful question but it’s a question of fact, not of feeling. You probably feel regretful, hurt, pessimistic and so on, and feeling that way while evaluating your past decisions, you’re likely to reach negative verdicts about yourself. Naturally, it’s reasonable to look at where you made mistakes, but I’ll suggest being wary of the human tendency to be black-and-white, “at fault or not at fault” as if the whole issue were so simple.
April 19th, 2010 at 9:39 am
I have to leave this marriage, can’t take the drinking anymore,
April 29th, 2010 at 10:00 am
Man, can I relate to all of this. I won’t go through the play by play, because everyone here knows the script by now (the drunken rages, the projection, the false accusations to the cops to redirect the focus away from her, the hateful name-calling, the “forgetting” the next day).
I’ve heard lots of people say that being with a drunk spouse is the same thing, regardless of whether the husband or the wife is the drunk. I don’t believe this, because in our society, we are pigeonholed. I will not speak at length about the gender-specific inequalities women face in leaving an alcoholic husband, because I am not a woman. I recognize they exist.
The biggest thing for me is the assumption, in our society and legal system, that the kids should stay with the mother when the parents divorce. When a woman leaves an abusive alcoholic, nobody questions that she should have sole legal custody of the kids. But when the mother is the abusive alcoholic, these two “rules” collide. I am terrified that my wife would get custody of our little girl. I could not live with myself if I let her bear the brunt of my wife’s insane drunken binges. I am also terrified that my wife would poison my kid’s perceptions of me. When she gets in a drunken rage, she often threatens to leave and take our girl with her. Complicating this is the fact that I am the sole breadwinner, so it would be very easy for my wife to paint herself as the primary caregiver to our child.
If we didn’t have kids, we would have divorced years ago. If I had confidence that I would get primary custody, I would have insisted on a divorce years ago. Dealing with the irrational anger, the physical, verbal and emotional abuse, and the anxiety, are eating me up. This is the first time I’ve ever unloaded about this stuff.
April 30th, 2010 at 7:58 am
I take it you’ve gotten some legal consultation so that you know for sure what your risks and options are?
April 30th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Not sure if I can ask a question, or if this forum is for replying only. But I will take the chance. I am desperate to get away from my alcoholic husband. I have taken the steps to detach, but have not quite gotten the knack of detaching with “love”. In fact, I am so indifferent and cold, call me Miss Iceberg. I just don’t want anything to do with his lies and his drinking. The smell of booze on anyone makes me want to vomit. So basically, I ignore him. The problem is that I want to get out of this house. If I walk away, he will probably destroy the house, and I will lose so much money. Is there a way that I can legally force him out of the house? He drinks and walks around smoking cigarettes, I am afraid he will burn the house down with me in it. He is constantly getting inebriated to the point of falling into bathtubs, banging into things, crashing TV’s to the floor. All this going on and I am attempting to rest so I can get up and go to work, but he makes such a racket that even sleeping in another bedroom, with a fan on and earplugs stuffed down my ears, I can still hear all the racket. I am exhausted and unable to think at work from lack of sleep. I could care less if he drinks, I just cannot sleep with all the noise and I need rest in order to work. I cannot afford to leave, and pay for an apartment plus the mortgage on this house. He is out of work (what else is new) and therefore does not have much to contribute. My hard earned 401k is at risk, and I am going to lose my shirt. However, let me be clear, I am prepared to lose my shirt, I just don’t know how I am going to sell this house with a drunk man in it. Do I have to confess to my realtor that my husband is an alcoholic and therefore at any given time, when she is to show the house, he might be drunk and staggering around? I don’t know what to do, and I don’t think I can legally force him out of the house. Thank you in advance for any advice. No, he will not go to rehab. He has been there and done that many times and is in full blown denial. He has been lying to me for a very long time about his consumption of alcohol, even when the evidence (ie him staggering in front of me, staring blankly into space, reeking of alcohol) is clearly pointing to his drinking. I don’t care what he drinks, how much, etc. I just want to be able to sleep enough to be rested for work. He will never leave me voluntarily and once I provide him with his walking papers, all hell will break loose.
May 1st, 2010 at 1:27 am
Was going to put my situation on here. Hell, seems like a mix of all the above. Wife out of control. 2 litres a day of cask wine. Had enough. Seems the only solution is to walk away from these people. There is no truth or care left in them. The booze must eat away the brain area that is anything normal/balanced. The outrageous stories they tell!!!!!!! The abuse is permanent. How about this quote instead “In vino veritas, in aqua sanitas.” Translated “In wine there is truth, in water there is health.” If they abuse you and say the horror they say take it as the truth of their feelings, that’s what it surley is. In times long ago wine (alcohol) was used as a truth serum. Let it be your truth about what they really think of you. Then the choice you make is much easier. Who would really live with an individual that hates you so deeply? No-one would, so don’t!!!!!!!!!!!! By the way don’t ever feel sorry for them and go back to “help.” Big, big mistake. It gets even worse. Turn your back once and for all and GET OUT for yours and your childrens sake, but mostly for yours.
May 1st, 2010 at 7:06 am
To respond to your smaller question about warning your real estate agent – why wouldn’t you let her know? Embarrassment, perhaps? I imagine I myself would have some embarrassment in such a situation, but I also imagine the advantages of being open about it might outweigh. Consider that the more allies you can have on your side, the better. And, the fewer barriers to getting to the resolution you seek.
I hope that you have or are prepared to consult with a lawyer about your options.
Also consider that what you are enduring is domestic violence. Why not, right? Your well-being and safety are threatened regularly. Like a battering marriage, it has evolved insidiously over time so that it can be hard to define objectively what it has come to. I’ll advise you to look up your local domestic violence resources, or http://www.ndvh.org/. These are the experts in coping with or resolving a hostage-like home environment. Call them.
May 18th, 2010 at 11:27 am
I know most of these posts are husbands or wives with alcoholic partners but mine is different. My father is a raging alcoholic. He’s been drinking my entire life but didnt get into the heavy stuff until maybe 5 years ago. He’s lost his job, he’s abusive to me my mother and brother both verbally and sometimes physically to my brother. He has threatened to kill my mother, called her everything you could imagine, keeps her up all nite yelling and cussing when she works 2 jobs to support us. He’s the worst with my brother, threatening to beat him up, calling him horrible names, blaming him for “splitting” up the family. He’s called me a bitch, worthless, gets in my face, fights with all of us constantly. My mom is in alanon and has been getting help with her codependancy but i just dont know what we’re suppose to do. This cannot go on any longer.
He’s completely selfish and doesnt care about any of us at all. He drinks beer all day with at least a bottle and a half of jack daniels as well if not 2. He doesnt work and cant stay with family or friends so if we kick him out he will have no where to go. He talks about suicide all the time as well, which makes us think that if we do something he’ll either kill himself or live on the street or get killed by someone else. He wont try to quit, he wont go to rehab, he drinks and drives all the time putting innoncent peoples lives in danger. He keeps everyone up all nite, wakes everyone up early screaming and cussing, throws fits about the smallest of things. We’ve tried to do eveything possible. I finally moved into a dorm this past year in college to try to escape from it but now i am back for summer and it is worse then ever. oUR Lives have become like a Groundhog Day nightmare and i fear me and my mom will utterly go insane if this continues any longer.
Please help!
May 19th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
God, what a relief to find this website. I too live with a person who is broken. Her name is Melody and she was the love of my life, and, truth be told, I still love her. She loves pills more. I know, she’s not an alcoholic, but that’s just semantics. The pills started about two years after our marriage when she had some trouble with migraines and never stopped. Doctor shopping, pharmacy shopping, lies, manipulation, the pity parties, binges, all have been part of my daily life my entire marriage. This last year has been especially tough with 2 DUI’s in three months, 1 overdose, 8 auto accidents, two stints in the hospital etc…. I have tried to shield our two children as best I can, but I am to the point of thinking I and they are better of without her. Her parents have pretty much written her off, and if I do, I am afraid I will be signing her death certificate. I could not live with that so I am stuck. I worry constantly about my kids safety as she is about as responsible as a toddler. I don’t know what to do and am looking for any advise. I know you can’t say “leave her”, but in my case that is all I do outside stay put.
I know this is rambling, but I truly fear for my own sanity. Anger, rage, infinite sadness, guilt, anxiety, isolation, all of these are what I live with daily and NEVER talk about. What’s worse is that from al-anon to professional counselors i have seen seem to really be indifferent to the plight of a middle aged male in our society. First off, how do I get help for myself, and then how do you come to a decision about the future?
May 20th, 2010 at 6:25 am
Staying is a valid choice, no matter how miserable it may be. But if you imagine coming to the end of your life and looking back, you will probably want to be able to say, “that was the best choice I could make under those circumstances, with the information I had”. Rather than, “I stayed because I couldn’t decide what else to do.”
So it may be just a matter of wording in your internal dialogue, but I think it matters if you make the option of holding onto your cards an active choice.
If you do this, of course you’re still confronted with many other choices about how actively to pursue support resources, how to protect yourself, how to show intolerance for your wife’s behavior while still loving her, how to protect your children and so on.
I can’t help you much on how to find local supports and resources, but I’d sure support your working to cultivate them.
Another consideration is that a number of addicts in recovery will say that they were finally spurred to take the tough steps once they hit bottom. Once the carnage was too blatant to ignore. Often, the hitting bottom is the departure of the spouse. Perhaps though, if you’re staying, you can come up with other ways of allowing her to hit bottom sooner.
May 20th, 2010 at 6:34 am
Amy (May 18th),
Whew. That’s got to be excruciating. I hope you’re talking to as many people as you can. I hope you’re talking with the others in your family regularly.
If your brother is a minor and he’s experiencing verbal or physical abuse, look up Child Protective Services and call them. If your father ever does anything the least bit physically violent, call the police. Don’t protect him from the consequences of his actions by avoiding these steps.
True, he could die if expelled from the house. keep affirming that his own safety is his own responsibility, and your safety and sanity is yours.
Check in with us again, will you?
June 1st, 2010 at 7:06 pm
I’ve been married to my wife (45) for 14 years and we have 3 great kids. Let me tell a few tidbits about my life living with an alcoholic wife.
My wife is a long long time partier. Way back to her college days. During the last 5 years become so dependent on drinking that I can count on two hands the amount of days she hasn’t drank. My wife is 1.5 – 2.0 bottles of wine girl per day. Who also likes to sprinkle in some vodka drinking days. She’s the Mom who needs to have a few drinks to make it through any event that her children are a part of. Drinks with kids in the car. As a Nurse (3rd shift) she’s drinking imediately after arriving home in the morning. I know this because I daily check the amounts of wine in each of her countless bottles that are open in throughout the house. When she doesn’t have to work (4 of 7 days per week). She starts drinking by lunchtime and doesn’t stop til bed time.
In the past 5 months alone. She’s arrived home after a night out with girlfriends at least 8 times so intoxicated that I wonder how she walked to her car let alone drive it home.
Our two oldest kids are well aware of the severity of their Moms drinking. They hardly ever see her anymore without a glass of something in her hand.
She loses all touch with reality when she drinks too much. Horrible name calling and becomes so confrontational it’s nearly impossible to be able to reason with her.
If I knew that I could take my kids with me or have her leave. I’d do it tomorrow. I’ve reached my limit.
June 2nd, 2010 at 11:37 am
Tom, as you may have seen from some of my other responses, I think that in a situation like this where you can do nothing to control your wife’s drinking, perhaps you could at least pursue answers to the questions that can be answered.
Can you keep the children with you in a separation? You can bring this up with some lawyers if you haven’t already.
If you could achieve what you want, then how would you begin going about it? It might be that a lawyer would have you begin documenting all the specific incidents to support your case in court.
June 5th, 2010 at 6:19 am
I just found this website – man does it feel good to know that I’m not totally crazy – the books about this issue are one thing, reading the above makes me realize how textbook my situation is.
We’ve been married for 23 years, and mye wife was an alcholic from day one, I was too naive to know it. She went to rehab 10 years in, got sober for about 7 years, and went back to daily vodka about 6 years ago. It continues to spiral worse and worse, and I stayed not for money as I work and she doesn’t, but because I thought my teenage daughters were better off if I gave the appearance of a “happy” family.
I finally snapped a month ago when I caught her drunk driving again, and I’m sick of being told that I’m the abusive one when I’ve never hit her, although she’s raised her fists to me while drunk. It was going to end with injury and/or police, so I tried to get ahead of that and the kids and I moved to a local hotel, which still isn’t rock bottom for my wife who is convinced that this is just a husband/wife thing. I am a lawyer and know the divorce laws and also know that I can’t legally stop her from drinking or driving, so we finally left to try to get through to her. No such luck, she is beyond furious with me that I “abandoned” her, and this is after 2 failed rehabs and daily drunking starting at noon while I work 50 hour weeks. I guess our moving out to try to save her life as a last resort was naive of me. Intervention won’t work in my opinion here, so this was the last arrow in the quiver.
I think it’s time to move with my kids to a long term apt. and finally admit that she’s an addict with no control, and that I need to live my life in my 50’s.
Thanks to this forum for being there – I actually found the comments much more helpful than our local Al-Anons. Last thought is that all three of us are in therapy, but not my wife. Go figure.
June 12th, 2010 at 4:18 pm
I am a 35 yr old, considering divorce, my wife is 40, we have one 3 yr old. She has always drank ever since we got together in 1998 or so, she has always had a high tolerance. The drinking became worse 4 months after we had a child, she almost fell holding our daughter once. I have seen her fall down herself more than three different times, once while trying to take our daughter to the playground, sad. She started stashing 1 liter bottles, in our babies crib, and the cars, sometimes in her diaper bags I would find a 5th of vodka, even once at the elementary school she worked at. After I left her and took my daughter to live with my mother, she started telling me she was done drinking and ready to be a good wife and mother. I let her come back as long as she was really through with the drinking, she actually started drinking Listerine, and buying it two bottles at a time. After the Listerine incident we went to a counsler she suggested AA, and no treatment. She attended a few AA meetings, then she just stopped talking about it, and claims she is not drinking. Since then I have suspected her being drunk a few times, stumpling and smelling boozy, but today was very sad I found my daughters sippy drinking thing full of straight vodka, i smelled it and tasted it to make sure. After all this I am wondering if she is hopeless and i should just give up on her, or if she will ever quit. If I leave I am taking my child away, she drives drunk and once almost went off the road.
June 16th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
My Goodness!! I know there are many others with alcoholic spouses, but I didn’t think the stories would be so similar.
Right now I’m trying to get through the hours/minutes/seconds of the deep depression I plunge into whenever my common law husband, with whom I have 4 mostly grown children aged 16, 19, 20 and 24, the youngest 2 still living here. He has always gone off and left the house on extended binges, and sometimes I haven’t seen or heard from him for up to 1 month or so. These disappearances have become more frequent. I now know where he goes to – downtown with the homeless alcoholics, and very often have gone there and brought him back. Often he refuses to accompany me, however. What a stinking nightmare!!
There is much more depth to our story, but the bottom line is that I have to learn to live without him. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, that everything would turn out to be happily ever after. But after almost 26 years with him, the chasm between us may not be fixable. I, after all, have become allergic or intolerant to alcohol, and can no longer accompany him in any amount of drinking. Even a few sips will make me very ill, and as a result I am of no use to him anymore.
YES. YOU ARE RIGHT!! Those of you who realize the alcoholic cares only about himself.
And even knowing all of this, I find it extremely hard to get through each day without him, though the times we spent together when he wouldn’t drink are getting fewer and farther between. I know I’m codependent. I wish there was a magic pill that would make all of this go away. I think of him every waking moment. What can I do? HELP!!
June 20th, 2010 at 7:31 pm
Hello there,
My common-law partner wants me to move out of our new house because of my drinking. I’m an alcoholic and have been sober before for 3.5 years. I recently went to rehab but relapsed shortly after. Today I went to my first meeting in years and picked up a newcomer chip. I have every intention of staying sober and I’ve done it before with the help of AA. We have a one-year-old son and I love him and my spouse and I know how horrible my addiction has been and I know that my spouse has reached the end of his rope. I’ve promised to stay sober before, in fact, only 20 days ago we went through a very difficult decision of him giving me yet another chance. And I blew it. Tonight is the first time I’ve been sober for days. I told him that I had been drinking in secret from him, I confessed all of it. I got in touch with all of my AA friends and told them the truth too. And I went to that meeting. I’m going to one tomorrow (and the day after, and the day after that…) It’s hard. But I’m hopeful. The only thing is that I wish he’d give me another chance because I need his support and I’m scared that I’m not going to make it when I live on my own. I have never been a violent drunk, I just “checked out” by drinking and I was hoping to get sober again but without AA (I hate AA… I hate it but I will go to meetings, anything to get better). Last night, I drank again and had a minor accident. I broke a toe, I lost my shoes (!), I found myself calling my spouse begging him to get me because I was too smashed to figure out where I lived (I’ve never done this before, I could usually cover up my tracks really well but I couldn’t this time). Then I told my spouse everything when he confroted me instead of lying as I used to. I felt that I was DONE. Anyway, I work full-time, I’ve lots of friends, I’m a good mom I’m just really, really screwed up. I don’t know why I’m writing this, it’s not like any of you can help me but I want you to know that I’m dying inside because I’m terrified of having to move out and doing this on my own. We just bought this house, we just made plans to go on vacation, etc. etc. Now everything’s up in the air and he hates my guts. He used to make fun of AA and call himself an “AA widower” but this is the only way. He says he’s glad I’m going back to AA now. I’m so conflicted as to what’s important, I feel like him leaving me and giving me a notice to find a place to live is complicating things, too much to handle. At the same time, it’s not fair toward him to invest his trust in me again after I broke it so many times.
July 2nd, 2010 at 5:09 am
A good Freind of mine sent me a link to this site.
It is sad to read thru all of these stories but comforting to know that I am not alone.
I have been married for 8 years (2nd marraige). When I met my wife I knew that she liked to drink wine. I unfortunately underestimated the extent of her problem. I also was foolish enough to think that I could help change that. Her ex husband was a big drinker. I though that by leading by example (I don’t drink much at all) I could change her habbits.
I was wrong. Since we have been married her drinking has gotten progressivly worse. It use to be she would drink 2 maby 3 times a week.
For the last two years it has been 5 to 6 time a week. I started keeping track of the sobber days but stooped. In december last year she was sober 3 times in the entire month. Jan 6 times and Feb 7 times.
I stopped keeping track becuase It was making me depressed..
She does not drink during the day, but does start by later afternoon. During the day she is the best wife/mother there is. She works part time takes care of or 6 year old son (who has learning disabilities) and deals with her two sons (16 & 18). Shekeeps the house imaculent and has a wonderfull meal on the table on most days.
But right around 6 pm the train runs off the tracks. There is a certain point in her drinking (usually about 1 1/2 bottles of wine) where she changes into a different person. She becomes mean, weppy uncofortably overly happy or all of the above at the same time. From that point it goes downhill. If I try to say something about it, she launches into the rant about me not helping enough and never being home. (niether of which is true, I am either at work or at home helping with the family).
Her relationship with her boys has gotten worse as time goes on. When she is drinking, they do not want to have anything to do with her.
Since we have been married, I have seen it go from, whats wrong with mommy (the I am just tied excuse only worked for about a year or so), to mommy is drunk again to get away from me drunky.
I do not want to see my son go through this. He already is getting the the stage where he is noticing that mommy is acting funny.
If it were not for my son, I would have left a long time ago. I do not want to tear his world apart.
What can I do?
July 9th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Anyone else have suggestions or ideas for Ken?
July 25th, 2010 at 10:01 am
My husband is an alcoholic. we have been married for 2 years. He quite for 2 months, but is just as bad as he was before. He is not violent, but he is the most agrivating ass hole in the world. It makes me want to beat him to death. I also have 2 children 16 and 18 and they can’t stand him either. I should have known better than to marry him. I stay stressed out. I have just recently started ignoring him and not showing any emotion, because it does no good. Since I have started doing that my depression has lifted somewhat. Financially me and the kids can make it, but it will be hard. I’m thinking about kicking him the hell out or at least calling the bondsman to come get him so me and the kids can have some piece till his court date. He got a dui over a year ago and i signed the bond. I guess that would be better than killing him. He would have to sober up in jail.
July 28th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
I am so grateful to this site.
I would like to say thanks to Tom for starting this, and for all those who have published their stories here. Reading them really helped me – reading their stories, I knew I was no longer alone.
I first came across this site last year sometime, after I started to realise that my partner might be an alcoholic. Up ’til then I had suffered in silence and I had no idea that I was so lonely. Then I called the Samaritans. Since then I have read peoples true life stories across the web. Almost all of our stories have similar content. Some mentioned a book ‘Co-dependency no more’ which filled in many of the empty spaces, the areas I couldn’t understand. Al-anon also helped a lot. A lot.
My partner is beautiful and I love her. I cannot stand her when she’s drunk. Foul mouthed, abusive and unrelentingly awful. She’s drunk most days. Although her drinking has got better (she doesn’t drink as much as she used to) her response to it has got worse (drinks less, gets as drunk, becomes nastier). In the beginning I thought it was due to the pressure she was under (and she was under a tremendous amount). Now I realise it’s the dependency.
Alcoholism is a disease.
I was naive then, thinking that I could help (lead by example – as above. offer different opportunities etc). Then I read up on the subject. Now I know that nothing I do while we are together will be of any use. Worse, remaining with her will most likely enable her and in some dreadful twist I would be colluding with her addiction.
Recently she started physically attacking me, an escalation from verbal abuse. From other’s stories I know that physical abuse calls for an immediate response – stay and risk further assaults, become a hostage, deteriorate further, become exhausted, lose self esteem, lose self value.
Or leave.
We stay until the pain becomes too much.
I looked at our life together and realised that, in spite of the promises, the potential of a fantastic future (always the potential), and the love I held and still hold for her, nothing changed. Our life together was mostly one long dreadfulness – tension, anxiety, grief, anger – interspersed with (rarely) occasional beauty. Then I read this site again. Then I read other sites again. Then I projected forward in my own life. Did I really want to be saying the same things to myself, to her, to others, in 5 years time? In 10 years time? In 20? How much longer was I prepared to be exhausted all the time?
Alcoholics are selfish. Yes.
The first love of an alcoholic, their only love, is the bottle. If an alcoholic stays within denial there is no hope in relating. Everything they do is to protect their relationship with that drug. Anything a drinking alcoholic says is a lie.
Ken, I would say leave her (although I am not in anything like your situation – no kids and now separated. Perhaps I would feel differently if we had children. But for now I am certain I would go).
Your son’s life is already being torn apart.
My mother was an alcoholic, my father wasn’t. My brother and sisters who lived with them are alcoholics now. I was luckily removed from the situation (although I didn’t think so at the time). Of all my family I am not an alcoholic. I am lucky. The children of alcoholics are very much at risk of becoming alcoholics.
A poet once wrote ‘Home is where the pain is’, and I think back now to the times I returned to that place and he’s right. Watching the rows between my parents, being aware of the subliminal anger, suffering the side effects of the malice, yes, he’s right. Watching some one you love destroy themselves is the worst pain, worse than leaving them, or them leaving you.
We stay until leaving is the lesser pain.
It’s early days for me. Our separation is recent. I still love her and miss some of it – the (few) good times. I fear for her health dreadfully. And her sanity. I still wish she would get it together. It’s a vain hope, and futile, I know. Still, some part of me wishes for the promise. Realistically I know it will never happen.
If you’ve read this, thanks for taking the time.
Thanks again to this site and to the other publishers.
July 30th, 2010 at 6:00 am
“We stay until leaving is the lesser pain”. I like that. And the dilemma for many is, staying is the pain they know, while the level of pain in leaving can’t be predicted.