Comments on: Should I Leave my Alcoholic Wife (or Husband, Partner, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Addict)?

By: Tom Linde

Tom Linde — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 21:44:12 +0000

Kevin, while I can offer general comments and suggestions here, I cannot give direct advice. In fact, one suggestion is that you not take advice from someone you can’t talk to in person, and follow up with – in other words, a qualified counselor or perhaps a lawyer.

I can say that in general, a drunk cannot be expected to uphold an ongoing agreement, no matter how sincere they may be when the agreement is made.

By: kevin

kevin — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:51:29 +0000

can some give me advice on this
my wife got charged with a class d felony she is a nasty drunk and smashed my head in then she tried to kill her self she spent 2 weeks in rehab then another 4 week in the phys ward now she went to a half way house. i am letting the charges to be dropped to an ach we have been married 30 years.but i want some things if i do this. 1 i want to know where she is and how to get a hold of her 2. i want to go for marriage counseling for the last 2 years i have been recording her fights with me and she has to live up to them which she don’t think happened 3.i want 300.00 a month to help pay for the bills. 4 she is not allowed in the house without me or my kids with her. should i bring this up to her lawyer or just to the da and do you think i should be able to get this. funny thing is she has the counselors believing that i was the one that was doing the abusing i was never able to talk to them

By: Tom Linde

Tom Linde — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:57:23 +0000

Rebecca, you asked me for a response, but I don’t see any questions. I don’t mean that you didn’t write any questions, I mean that I don’t see any question as to what sorts of actions you should take.

On one hand, you, like everyone, should be the best spouse you know how to be. On the other hand, marriage is not an unconditional contract. You say he was abusive in his last relationship and he’s abusive with you. You have been cheated on raped, hit in the face, have put up with plenty of drunkenness, and are now left isolated as well.

Much earlier on this page I posted some links to sources of domestic violence support. I encourage you to look into it, and to do what you need to protect your safety and dignity.

By: kevin

kevin — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:58:24 +0000

I am so glad i found this site. everything i have read has happened to me. i have been married 30 years we both did drink but for the last 5 years my wife drinking has become worse. these last 2 months have been hell. we have 2 children 27 and 23 and our first grandchild my kids and i have been trying to get my wife help for years with no luck. same thing 24×7 drinking with her our kids love her but they have given up. in in dec my wife beat me with her own vodka bottle i call the cops she went to jail got charged with a class d felony she was released with out bail and went to live with my mother 2 weeks latter my wives mother passed away. 2 days before xmas she broke into the house and was well really drunk my daughter was here
i asked my daughter not to leave because i think this is not gonna to be good. but she had to go. a few mins latter my wife took out a butcher knife and cut her self up took off in the van the police got her and took her to the mental ward and then went to rehab. and now going to a halfway house. but since she has been gone i have had no contact with her and nobody will tell me what is going on. every night i had to go to bed and i would bring my phone i have been recording the fights. but now it seems every thing is my fault nobody wants to hear from me we go to court in a few more days and i want or need to have ppl listen to this.

By: rebecca

rebecca — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:41:34 +0000

Hello,
It is not my wife, but my boyfriend. I found your answers helpful Tom, and so hope you may be able to answer my questions.
I have a boyfriend, who i think is an alcoholic. He drinks plenty, on days i come home and he has had a bottle of wine and 12 beers as well as plenty of hash. This has gone on for ages. He quit a while back after he cheated on me with a younger girl and i left him. He then promised to sober up. He did for about 3 weeks with no problems… he doesnt have a physical dependency on it. And so we thought everything was ok. We began to have a few drins here and there under control, thinking that our problems were over. A month or two later he is back to his old habits. He drinks plenty when he is nervous and stressed. As it now stands he has no friends, has isolated his family, and has a string of people who hate him because of verbal abuse and such. I am not sure if his problem is psychological – causing him to drink to alleviate the stress, or if he is an ‘alcoholic’. I guess it is the same thing… in some way or another.
I am not sure whether to leave him. At this point who has cheated on me, once forced me to have sex with him when i didnt want to and was quite hurtful in his force, and recently hit me across the face. I dont know whether to have sympathy for his situation still… he got divorced a year and half ago from an abusive relationship (we have been together for just under one year) the place we live in is currently high on unemplyment, particularly in our field, we both work from home and so only see each other 24/7, we no longer see our friends as they have all had fights with my bf or resent him for his divorce, and with I it is similar as my friends have isolated me in some way, for dating him (his ex wife was amongst a group of friends). The city we live in is full of stress. Im not sure whether this is situational, or specific to this person.
He has promised to quite many times and does not manage anymore now as the environment is getting worse for us. I have also perhaps not been easy… pressuring him at times and blaming him for wanting too much love from me, wanting my attention all the time such that i cannot do my work at all. I am not able to help him as i myself am not in the best situation.

By: Brad

Brad — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 03:51:32 +0000

Alcohol Addiction vs. You
You are losing and will continue to lose because alcohol doesn’t give up. The answer is to reinvent your life, suck it up and next time stay away from alcoholics. Life’s a one time event and there is nothing more powerful than the made-up human mind. So make your mind up. Think about that last sentence.

By: Losing Myself

Losing Myself — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 19:24:52 +0000

I’m married to a beautiful woman that is chemically dependent on alcohol. We, myself and her mom, got her treatment two years ago after a suicide attempt. She’s been treated for dual diagnosis in the basic health care reform system here in MA. Upon entering a halfway house she was raped and never reported it. She holds resentment toward me and her mom for that because she feels we made her go for treatment. Now, shes drinking vanilla extract w/ alcohol and I’m finding empty bottles of vodka.I’m at my roots w/patience, and dream about living a insane free life.

I’m about to lose my license for two years cause of an OUI 2nd offense. I had gotten away one evening from the stress and pressures dealing w/ and alcoholic and over indulged. I don’t blame her for this but it was the ingredient as to why I went out to release. I really don’t want to lose her to alcohol nor do I want to make a hasty mistake and divorce her to only find out I was wrong in doing so. I’m at the point where I’m debating to re-enter into the military just to escape. I really don’t have nowhere to go. I’m lost and confused as to how I should deal w/ this. Any suggestions? Adivice? HELP!

By: Deanna

Deanna — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 14:45:00 +0000

My husband has been an alcoholic for a long time.
We have three beautiful children together. I have
been unhappy for over 8 yrs. About 8 yrs ago, my
husbands father past away, he didn’t share his
sadness with me. He went out drinking the night
before our children’s birthday party, to which I get
a phone call from the police saying my husband
almost hit a police car head on. As I am sure
everyone has heard their spouses say I am sorry
and will never do it again. I like most of you believed in my
spouse. Things calmed down but never got better. Eventually,
in Dec 2010 I told my husband if another drink touched his lips
I was done. That didn’t matter to him, for he has heard me
threaten before. This time I meant it, so in March 2011 I took a
trip to Florida to figure out of divorce was the way to go.
I decided it was. So I informed my husband and decided to
go with mediation, my husband had other ideas. He got drunk the day
before Easter that year and hit another car, got arrested . I was
completely besides myself. After picking him up from police station
he kept saying he wanted to kill himself. Figured after he sobered up
he would snap out of it. He didn’t n I had to call 911 and have
him committed for observation. After that he went to Salvation Army
for in house treatment. In the meantime, I took control like I always
had before and dealt with mounds of paperwork on his behalf.
Since we were both employed by same employer it created more
problems. I made a huge error by quitting my job to help my husband.
By Sept all efforts to save his job were futile. I filed for divorce in July 2011
but my husband kept insisting we work it out since he was in a program now.
I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to be that person anymore
who feels the need to watch her husbands every move. I have three other people to consider besides myself. So now my husband is succeeding with his
recovery and I am still buried in paperwork, disgust, mistrust. I can’t guarantee
he won’t put me and our children through this hell again. I just can’t take that
chance for my own sanity and the well being of our children.

By: Richard

Richard — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 19:59:55 +0000

Afternoon everyone
My experience is extremely similar to many others here with the nasty abuse etc. Her drinking started in our case soon after the birth of our first child. We now have two wonderful boys who we both adore.
The very strange thing is that she only ever drinks when I go out, almost without fail and generally on her own. The drink is always hidden from me and denied.
It is now at the point that I only work two days a week and feel like I will have to cut this down further. I also hardly ever leave the house and feel like a prisoner. I would say that when she is sober our relationship is extremely good.
Does anyone have any thoughts and advice on this?

By: orion

orion — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 23:23:00 +0000

This website is fantastic. Thank you Tom and all who have posted. Many others have said it but somehow hearing others stories makes us feel less alone, although I would not wish this on anyone there is comfort in hearing others speak.

I am 3 years with my partner but only living together 1 year and I only discovered the level of the drink problem 6 mnths into living together which makes me feel really dumb and also angry at the deception. He is so sweet and loving and charming when sober, and to ALL other people but me. He doesn’t drink all the time but when he does he is a mean nasty drunk but only to me. I find myself asking who was he mean to before I came along?

I have been contemplating leaving and trying to detach but was totally thrown today when after another nasty argument he suggested I leave and take my children with me but that I had to continue to pay all bills until the rental contract on our accommodation runs out! He is currently working very little, I am the main earner for now and his bright idea is that I and my children move out (he doesn’t care where to) but that I continue to pay for him to live in our home – cause we both signed the contract!!! His level of delusion and denial really floor me.

I still do not feel strong enough to leave him but I feel the time is coming and I really hope that I can find it in myself to leave and take my children out of this situation and be a good strong functioning role model for them. I know behind the drunk there is a good beautiful man but it is getting harder to see him and I miss him but I am fooling myself waiting for him to come back. I think he may be gone for good.